Our joy continues as the pregnancy progresses. I can still remember the sad feelings and the awareness of how fragile we are and I can also remember the peace (even in the difficulty) of being able to give it all to God [previous entry].
As a Christian and a missionary, I know that my life depends on Him day by day, that He is in absolute control. This journey with pregnancy, with its ups and downs, has been a constant reminder of that truth.
Worry, Construction and Rest
In these months we are immersed in the challenge of building a house in the indigenous community where I moved with my family. Something that is being challenging in time, strength, faith and economy.
One morning, while we were returning with a friend from buying some wood for the construction, I saw the mountains full of pineapple plantations. I thought of all the work it is to obtain that fruit.
Then I moved on to my thoughts about the house and the time it is taking. All the work it takes in this life to be able to do what Miriam and I decided to do: help bring the gospel to those who are farthest away.
As a joke, I remarked to my friend, “When we are with God, I would like to ask Him what was the reason for giving us the task of taking the gospel to other humans, and all the worry that means.”
Actually, I don’t intend to look to God for answers when I’m there. However, I thought it was a funny comment and appropriate with my thoughts.
My friend quickly replied something like, “God would say to you, ‘And when did I ask you to have worries?’ ” His response was funny in play with my comment, but it was also real, very real. His response was funny in play with my comment, but it was also real, very real. Did God ask me to stress about the house we built so that we could serve him among the nomatsiguenga?
Jesus, the perfect example
What about Jesus, when he was that night before his sacrifice and his great suffering, with a mind and body so emotionally charged that the sweat was tinged with blood, why did he feel that stress? How to reconcile that moment of burden with the fact that he was the perfect Son? He was, is and will forever be perfect (Revelation 1:8), so even in that moment, he acted well.
Bridging the differences of such an extraordinary event, I think that as a human, Jesus was affected by feelings and pain. What I am trying to say is that having feelings, even those of sadness, are not bad in themselves, they are part of our nature as humans. Jesus lived it, and so did other characters in the Bible.
Trust in God does not mean denying feelings and, at the same time, it does not mean being carried away by them. Jesus executed the perfect balance, we must aim at that. He put his feelings out loud (like the psalmists) and also accepted whatever the Father decided, with conviction. That is peace.
It is possible to feel peace in the midst of sadness, I can feel peace in the midst of extremely difficult decisions. That peace gives strength and conviction.
I have already lived it in my life as a missionary and it is hard to think why it is so difficult for me to remember it sometimes, when difficult situations come back or when my mind is filled with thoughts.
I also hear it from other Christians, having struggles between confidence and stress or exhaustion. And I go back to Jesus, who did not hide his situation from the Father, but went to Him with everything. The same with respect to the psalmists who brought their feelings, even their frustrations to God. The difference is that that wasn’t all, it’s not just going to complain but ending up holding on to “You are in control, in you I trust”.
Sounds like hope
I think of other Christian friends who are currently suffering, either because of health problems of their own or of loved ones, even the loss of someone, because of material problems, or of those dear friends of mine who lost their babies and with whom I suffered even from a distance. Or of those very dear friends of mine who lost their babies and with whom I suffered even from a distance. Why did they have to live through what they did? And why do others currently live through difficult times?
We won’t have answers to everything now. Maybe we will have answers to some ‘whys’ in the future, when we see how things fit together. There will be other unanswered ‘whys’ too, and that’s okay. I am a son, and I rest in my place.
I don’t get to know the ins and outs, I know who my Father is who doesn’t fail, and I can trust Him. And if you don’t know God as Father, I encourage you to come to Him and live this peace that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7).
I want to leave you with another song, one very appropriate for this topic. “Hijo muy amado”, by Geancarlo Calderon (in Spanish):
The experience we had at the beginning of the pregnancy allowed me to remember what it is like to feel like a child loved by Him, and I liked that very much. My God loved me to the point of sacrificing Himself for me; I can trust Him.
Going a little deeper, if you are without peace, I don’t mean to tell you that “everything is going to be okay”, because you may know it and believe it, but you may not ‘feel’ it at the moment and what you do feel is that you can’t get out of a circle of fear. I would hope that you would remember that even that you can bring it to Christ, it’s bigger. That now may not be the time to have answers, but to feel like a child, a child of a perfect Father.
If you’re going through something like this, I think you’ll like this other song a lot:
With that certainty of God’s marvelous grace, together with Miriam, we continue to serve Him, where we consider that He wants us to show ourselves as His beloved children.
